So, i suppose since it was so long ago, I can say something now,
The day I got grounded(was friday the fucking thirteenth for god sakes) I carved every single grade that I had on every assignment in every one of my classes into my thigh. Good or bad,
It was a reminder and a tracker of what I had done. I had snapped. I didn’t leave my room for three days. My mom brought me food, I didnt leave bed except to play my keyboard which was on the desk adjacent to my bed.
2 weeks later, I did it again, carved up my leg as a tribute to my failures, and a reminder for what i had done. I think a month went by without me cutting, after some time I tried to hang myself after a particularly brutal couple of days. Tied my dogchain to my fan, made a loop out of it. Jumped in it. Hair hit the fan (as my hair was pretty long, ) tried to fucking neck myself, fortunately for me, the chain slipped off the fan, i landed on my skateboard which was on the floor trucks up towards the ceiling, I had never hit metal so hard in my life. Scared to fucking death i was paralyzed as i went numb after ten seconds, I just laid there, staring at the light, just staring looking as if that light was literally the light of heaven I had just fell from and descended back to hell and pain, I had nearly escaped, escaped my life.
-
That night after feeling returned to my spine, neck, and legs, I picked up my skateboard put it against the wall, and passed out in my chair, (It fucking hurt to lay down normal) i went to school the next day, and I kinda half told people. I told them what happened but didnt say so with any emotion and really no one made a big deal of it, i didnt either, i didnt want to think back to that night,
-
im here to tell you, things do get better, if you make them better. I found the little things that made me feel good, that kept me from my bad side. Usually they were people and music, sometimes running, and working out.

- Mike Clendenen,
- Vilx Angel,
P.S.
You see what you wanna see
And you hear what you wanna hear.
Think bout it.

Its when you fall in love with someone while they’re on meth.
That shits frostbite.

You have to know who your true friends are. People who you think are your friends are people that will change when you change. Your true friends are the ones that dont change when you change. they dont get mad when you change. they dont abandon you when you make a mistake. they dont hurt you for it. they dont guilt trip you. they may be dissapointed, and show it, but they wont leave you for it. they wont take offense unless you do something to them. And if they’re really your friend, they’ll make sure that they see you safely through that change. 
so I recommend you tell people you shot heroin one time. and see who sticks around and who doesnt. DO NOT actually do it. just say you do it. test it out. and then youll know, the people who dont leave you because they enjoy your friendship are your friends. the people who judge, hurt you, hate you for it even, never really were your friend no matter the illusion. 

I understand there are two types of people. People who need acceptance and community, and then some people just want a good friend or two and dont care about being accepted by everyone else. Im cut from the latter. I really could care less how the general public sees me, I really could care less that if you don’t like Megadeth and you insult me for wearing their shirts. My entire first month of freshman year was people trying to break me down from being who i wanted to be and wearing what i wanted to wear. 17 megadeth shirts later, I still wear them. but it takes a very strong person to be able to put yourself out there. You have to have thick skin, and have to be willing to try things that are controversial. 

Which brings me to my next point.

There are some people out there who I have hurt just being me unintentionally. I often forget not everyone is me and can take criticism like I can. And while I probably may not know who you are, what I did, How I did it, How many times I’ve done it, It doesn’t matter. I still did it. To some I may feel no remorse. There are certain cases where I will fully stand by my actions. Especially if your someone I despise. and at this point in my life, there are only 7 cases of this. I have only truly hated 7 people in my entire life. But to everyone who aren’t those seven cases you have to understand me running my mouth even in criticism is me just trying to help you in the shittiest way  possible. So If I’ve hurt anyone I’d like to say I’m sorry. 

At this point I’ve grown up a little bit, But I feel its important to hold onto certain parts of my childhood as it was the happiest part of my life. Its why I play 90’s games, Watch 90’s movies, Love lego’s, Love 90’s rap and still have VHS tapes. I like playing Hide and seek, I like playing pc games with my friends siblings, and if you ever catch me in one of these moods, you’ll see what i was like before the bullying and abuse started coming into my life which drastically made me grow up faster than I should have. Im not thankful, but I’m over it now. Unlike most cases of these where years go by and you start to be thankful that it made you stronger. It didn’t make me stronger, it just made me angry. I put a fucking hole through my closet door last time I got really angry. Anger isn’t something I like, It was my High fix. The raw power and the edge is something I learned to enjoy, and before you knew it. I had anger problems to the point where I wouldnt control myself and hurt everyone around me simply because i was having a bad day. But im better now and proud of that.

And where i come from isnt really all that interesting either.

I come from a long line of drug addicts, and alcoholics. A LONG line of them. A long line of veterans of war. Every male with the last name Clendenen has served in the military since world war I. Not only that but lived through each war. So growing up in my house is growing up in sort of a house adaptation of the military. I dont intend to follow up to any family tradition. The enter the military because they fuck up at home, and then come back scarred and an alcoholic. After my little episode with my lawyer’s Mr. Daniels & Dr. Comfort. I now know how easy it is to get addicted to alcohol. I still get cravings, I still have the smell perfectly preserved in memory, but its a rather large reminder of what i knew before. I have an addictive personality. Its genetic, there’s nothing i can do about it. It’ll be with me my entire life. but for it I am thankful, because of that, I throw myself into anything I truly want to do. I give it my all; I rarely (if ever) give up on anything. It takes alot for me to give up on something. Perseverance Is my number one virtue I believe I possess. My first tattoo will be:

Succeed,

Or Die Trying.

Its my motto for life, It will be the motto that brings me my death. But that’s what makes me who I am. I go into something with the mentality not that I’m going to win, But that I can improve to the point where I can win if i lose. 

and THAT my friends i believe is my most important lesson that I have learned. Trying is free, Time is free, and wasting it is wasting a valuable resource. 

Happy uhmmm. Whatever day it is. I’ve lost track. 
Peace love and happiness,

- Mike Clendenen

- VILX DCgXL